You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
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Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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