I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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