I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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