Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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