Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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