i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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