If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
