If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
