Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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