we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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