Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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