If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
