i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
