I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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