I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
