I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
