i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Please don't give away my fajitas
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