too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
