Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
