That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
