i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
