Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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