i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
