For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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