gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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