between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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