Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
