im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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