News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
