His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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