Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
