update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
