You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
