I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
