he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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