Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
