I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
