Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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