I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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