Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hippo gnu deer
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
