Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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