At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
