I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
