My liver just broke up with me...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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