he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
