i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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