So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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