he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
