I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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