Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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