I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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