why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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