OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
