imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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