okay pat passed out under dana's car
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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