I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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