They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
