so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
