Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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