she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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