and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The best revenge is premature balding
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
